


Trying to Identify

by genovianprince



Series: Right Where I Belong [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Character, Trans Male Lance (Voltron), finding out you're queer, just in case, rated T for a tiny dirty humor line lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 08:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17639405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genovianprince/pseuds/genovianprince
Summary: It isn't until she hears "sir" that everything clicks.





	Trying to Identify

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, yes, it's me again, posting more about Lance's journey as a trans man in this AU. This starts off with Lance before he knows himself, and his eventual discovery of who he is, at his core. This may be triggering for trans folk because it deals very frankly with Lance's dysphoria and talks about him as "Milena" and uses "she/her" pronouns until he figures out that's not him. I think it's important to write stories like this and detail the journey through it as much as I think it's important afterward to only talk about Lance as if that's who he was his whole life (i.e., when telling childhood stories before Lance's transition). If you don't like that, then this story is not for you.

Milena had never liked being told what to do or who to be. So when her parents repeatedly came to her with some concerns, she completely rejected them.   
  
Of  _ course _ she was a girl. That’s what she’d been all her life and so far hadn’t seen any reason to change that, especially not as long as someone was going to be telling her she wasn’t.   
  
“Milena,” Maria had said the last time, trying to be gentle, “Are you sure? You’re… well, different. It just seems like—”   
  
The nine-year-old huffed, stomping her foot. “Stop asking me that! No! I’m a girl and that’s that, not a rotten boy. Boys suck, anyway. Except you, Daddy. Sorry.”   
  
Raúl chuckled and shook his head. “Your mother says otherwise, sometimes.”   
  
“Raúl!” Maria chuckled and playfully smacked her husband’s arm, but concern and worry still lingered on her face when she turned back to her daughter. “Alright,  _ niña. _ Alright. If you’re sure.”   
  
Later, Milena stared at herself in the mirror, trying to figure it out. She was a girl, right? Why were her parents being so weird about it? She carded her fingers through her short hair and pouted at herself, looking down at her clothes. Maybe if she tried to be more girly, her parents would believe her? But she  _ liked _ short hair, and she  _ liked  _ not wearing stuff like skirts and dress or silly makeup. Not that she was allowed that stuff yet anyway, but putting colorful goop on your face only sounded fun when it was animal face paint.    
  
But if it would make her parents stop worrying, then? What did she really have to lose? She nodded decisively at herself. From then on, she’d just have to be really girly to get her parents off her case.   
  
It  _ had _ to work, right?   
  
*****   
  
Four years later, thirteen-year-old Milena stood in front of the mirror in the sundress she hated the least and applied eye shadow very carefully, not wanting to look stupid. She sighed when she finished and set it all down. Fingers gripped the edge of the counter tightly as she gazed at herself and tried not to cry.   
  
_ Why do I feel this way? _ she wondered, sucking in a deep breath,  _  It all just feels so wrong. What’s wrong with me? _   
  
The day her period came, she threw up from the sheer dissonance of what was happening to her. Nothing felt right, none of it. Her body just didn’t feel right at all. She fussed over her breasts like any other girl, but unlike most of the girls she knew, she wished they wouldn’t grow, wished they’d never appeared in the first place. She felt too knobbly and skinny — she’d been a chubby kid, but growth spurts had hit and she’d grown like a weed, right alongside her twin. Her joints poked out and made her feel like a crooked tree, jawline looked too round, chest too soft. Her period just made the whole disconnect feel even worse.   
  
Her body just… didn’t seem like it belonged to her.   
  
But she chalked it all up to being a normal teenager. Every teenager hated the way they looked, right? And the girls certainly hated having periods. Sure, her reaction was a little extreme. She just had to tone it down. She’d be fine.   
  
She was not fine. For whatever reason, she just  _ couldn’t _ get over the fact that she felt so completely alien in her own body. Sometimes she wishes she could just claw  her way out of her body, shed it like a snake-skin, and maybe she’d emerge new and happier. Like a caterpillar to a butterfly.   
  
One day, she put on her usual farming outfit instead of a pretty “going out” outfit and went with her sister to see a movie in town. Hair tucked up under her hat, overalls, a plain long-sleeved t-shirt, and boots. She felt… so much better than she usually did. No pressures to look pretty, no worrying about tearing her clothes. She felt freer.   
  
Veronica went to the bathroom while Milena waited in line to get the popcorn and sodas, humming softly.   
  
“What can I get for you today, sir?” the clerk chirped, and Milena couldn’t help the soft gasp that took her by as much surprise as the “sir”.   
  
Overwhelming happiness crashed over her, even as she gaped dopily at the clerk, causing them to frown slightly.   
  
“Are you alright? Did I use the wrong one?” they asked, brow pinched with worry.   
  
Milena shook her head rapidly, finally managing to get her mouth to respond. “No, no, I don’t… think so… Um. Thank you. Can I get a large popcorn and two medium Pepsis, please?”   
  
Relieved, the clerk nodded and rang Milena up. Milena hardly paid attention to the movie at first, too engrossed in her churning mind, the feelings she was working to sort out. That had felt more right than he was willing to admit, just yet. It really hit her, then, how much she wanted that, but it made her sick inside for reasons she wasn’t understanding yet. So she forced herself to pay more attention to the movie, deciding to worry about it later.   
  
After the movie, it turned out that Veronica and Milena would be alone for a while, so Veronica finally spoke up about something that had been on  _ her _ mind for a while.    
  
“‘Lena… I don’t think this is normal,” she said, biting her lip. “I don’t dislike myself that much, and you’re really scaring me. With the way you just… hate everything you are so much? It’s… Yeah, it’s really scary.”   
  
Milena swallowed, sitting down on her bed hard. “I think I know what’s wrong with me,” she whispered, “I just — I  just hate, um, being a girl? Like, remember when we were kids? And Mom and Dad asked me if I felt like a boy, and I got upset with them? I just… I don’t want to prove them right. I feel like… I feel like that fits me, especially after that popcorn guy called me ‘sir’, but I just…” Her lip wobbled and tears started trailing down her face.   
  
Veronica padded over to sit next to her twin, pulling her into a hug. “It’s okay, ‘Lena. It’s okay. You can talk to me.”   
  
“Like, the way they talked about it, like they knew better than me, and wouldn’t listen it  _ hurt,” _ she explained with a quivering voice, “I think they only gave in because I got really upset and then I started being really girly to make sure they stayed shut up. I  _ hate _ it. I don’t want to hear them say ‘I told you so’ or something.” She shivered, turning her face into Veronica’s shoulder to cry. “I just don’t know what to do.”   
  
Veronica rubbed her twin’s back, biting her lip and unsure what to say. “I don’t think they would do that,” she said slowly, “I think they were just trying to help you. And they were wrong at the time and kind of… made it worse. But they’ll listen to you, y’know? They love you.”   
  
Milena shuddered, pulling away to grab a tissue and blow her nose. “Thanks, Ronnie. You’re the best sister ever. I just, um. What do I even say? I like… I really like the idea of being a boy, and being called a boy, and it feels right, but I also… Like, my name? I don’t have a name picked out or — or anything like that. Milena feels so wrong, too, but…”   
  
Veronica hummed. “Well, we have a couple hours before they get home,” she pointed out, “I could help you.”   
  
Milena smiled timidly. “That’d be nice.”   
  
“Do you want me to start calling you a boy right away?” Veronica asked, getting up and pulling out her laptop from her backpack.   
  
“Mhm.”   
  
Together they researched names, looking at websites and burying themselves in family names to string something together.    
  
Eventually, Milena flopped backward onto the bed and groaned. “I like way too many names,” he said morosely, “Leandro, Julio…”   
  
Veronica pursed her lips. “Well, you could have a bunch of middle names?” she offered.   
  
Milena snorted. “I already have three last names, Ronnie.  _ We _ have three last names. I think Leandro Julio Desiderio Fredrico Navarro Esparza McClain is way too long.” He sat up and typed it out on a Word doc, listing the names one by one. “See? It’s totally, like, that really old show Meemaw used to watch as a kid, with that guy who’s name was Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la rosa Ramirez.”   
  
Veronica rolled her eyes. “Okay, well… You could always pick a name and a nickname. You like Leandro best so far, right?”   
  
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. It’s… I do like it. A lot. Uh… Nicknames… Ugh, this is probably gonna sound stupid, but I always really liked Lancelot?” He grinned. “Maybe, I mean, that’s just as long as Leandro is, so maybe just Lance?”   
  
“Lance, huh?” Veronica said, pushing her glasses up her nose with a grin.    
  
Lance nodded rapidly, beaming. “Exactly. That felt… That felt good. That felt right. I love you so much, sis, holy shit, that’s so perfect, I’m gonna cry again.” He flung himself at Veronica and hugged her tightly, laughing even as tears fell from his eyes again — but they were happy, this time.   
  
Veronica hugged him back, laughing too. “Oh, man, I haven’t seen you so happy in so long, it’s like… It’s really cool to see you smile again.” She kissed his cheek. “Good to have my happy big brother back.”   
  
Lance returned the kiss, pulling back and grinning. “Yeah? I… I feel like I’m back, I guess.” He fussed with the straps on his overalls, frowning at them. “We’re gonna have to do a lot of shopping so I can get clothes I like better that aren’t for farming work. I do have plenty of non-girly things, but still.”   
  
Veronica shrugged. “You like shopping,” she pointed out, “I think you’ll be fine.”   
  
“Yeah. You’re probably right. And hey, you can have all my old clothes.”   
  
Veronica scoffed. “As if I’d wear those ugly old dresses,” she said playfully.   
  
Lance gasped. “Ugly?!” he cried out, leaping towards the bed and shoving Veronica down, “I’ll show  _ you _ ugly!”   
  
They wrestled around for a few minutes, until Veronica put a stop to it by getting Lance in a headlock.   
  
“Give up?”   
  
“Never!” he cried, “I was the prettiest man in those dresses, you horrible sister!”   
  
Veronica laughed loudly. “Oh, yes, I’m the worst.”   
  
“So you admit it!”   
  
“I was being sarcastic!”   
  
“Psh, whatever, I—” He cut himself off at the sound of the garage door opening up. “Oh. They’re home.”   
  
Veronica dropped him immediately. “D’you know what you’re gonna say?”   
  
Lance sat up, biting his lip. “I have an idea? I just… Oh, God. I’m so nervous, Ronnie.”   
  
“I’ll be there, y’know. I’m not gonna leave you alone. We always have each other’s backs, right? That’s the way it’s always been. The two of us against the world.”   
  
Lance’s lips quirked into a half-smile. “Exactly. Okay.”   
  
He stood up and went down the stairs, Veronica close behind.   
  
“Hey, kids,” Raúl greeted from the door, “Ooh, you two look serious.” He hung up his coat. “What’s going on?”   
  
Maria hung up her coat and purse and furrowed her brow at her children. “Oh, dear. Let’s go sit and then chat,  _ niñas.” _   
  
Lance winced, but nodded and went to the couch, Veronica taking her seat next to him and squeezing his hand.   
  
Taking a deep breath, he decided to just blurt it out. “I’m transgender. Like. Um. I’m a boy.”   
  
Maria smiled. “Oh,  _ mijo. _ We’ve known since you were a child—”   
  
“That’s just the problem,” Lance interrupted, chest tight with fear, “Like, that wasn’t  _ okay, _ you guys. That-that-that, like? The way you pushed me into it, it… All that did was  _ hurt _ me. That wasn’t… It just pushed me  _ away _ from thinking about how I wanted to see myself because at the time, I was just a kid, and it didn’t really matter to me? But you wouldn’t  _ stop asking me _ no matter how much I told you to lay off and it pushed me into being super girly to make you guys shut up. And like, that didn’t help me. That made it worse. Because I was trying too hard to be something I really wasn’t but I didn’t  _ know _ it because I wasn’t allowing myself to even, like? Consider this as an option because how freaking adamant you were… And it just hurt.”   
  
Raúl frowned. “Oh,  _ mijo. _ I’m so sorry. We never meant to… We only wanted to help you.”   
  
Lance’s face twisted into a scowl. “Yeah, well, you made it worse.” What kind of non-apology even was that?!   
  
Maira sat down on Lance’s other side, looking into his eyes. “We’re sorry,  _ mijo. _ We did only want to help, and we’re so sorry that we made it worse instead. Tell us how we can help you now, okay?”   
  
Veronica squeezed Lance’s hand gently. “He goes by Leandro now. And Lance is his nickname. But Leandro for his legal name.”   
  
Lance smiled weakly. “Thanks sis. But, um. Yeah. That’s who I am. And, um. Can we please go shopping next time you’re free? So I can get some clothes to replace the ones I’m giving to Ronnie? Oh, and like, a binder? And! And definitely, like? We need doctor’s appointments and stuff so I can figure out HRT and stuff? OH! And a haircut! Please! My hair is wayyyy too long.”   
  
Raúl nodded, smiling gently back and stifling a laugh at the barrage of requests. “Of course, Leandro. We want you to be happy.”   
  
Lance hugged his mom hard, and then leapt up and grabbed his dad into a hug. “Thank you guys. So much. I love you so much,  _ te quiero mucho.” _   
  
“We love you too, kiddo,” Raúl replied, voice thick with emotion as he hugged Lance back.  _ “Te quiero mucho.” _   
  
There was still a long road ahead, but at least it would be easier with a supportive family behind him.


End file.
